Provided by The Pharmacy Chick
I recently was cleaning out my desk at work and found a copy (unopened) of our employee benefits handbook. Its a tome to say the least full of details that only the writer of the book has ever poured over. Each year we get one of these. I thought I might translate some of the content of the cover letter that was attached to it. (heavily paraphrased to protect the identity of the company)
Dear Valued Employee (since slavery is still illegal)
Congratulations on another year of employment with MegaCorp.. et al (translation: consider yourself lucky to have a job you sorry sap, if we could pay you in food vouchers, we would).
Enclosed is your copy of the employee handbook. Please read it carefully ( we have to say this but we know you wont even open it). Please note the modifications ( cuts ) made in certain benefits in health, welfare, disability, vacation and retirement policies.
The company is striving to keep current in all trends thruought the industry and did intensive studies across the board to assure that our benefits package is highly competitive with all other players in the industry(translation: we are going to make darn sure you dont get one thing better than anybody else, if they hosed their employees, we will hose just as well this year). The economy continues to lag as far as sales go but Mega Corp will continue to strive to be a leader in the marketplace and will do everything it can to maintain its marketshare and grow. (translation: Our shareholders want their money, and we want to have our bonus and profits..and if we have to take it out of YOUR pocket, we will. and the economy is the PERFECT excuse to start chopping. We think you are all overpaid idiots anyway).
As you know, health care costs are spiralling out of control, and at Mega Corp we have programs in place to help you manage your health care and its costs (translation: Hello big brother…we are watching you). By enrolling in these optional (for now) programs you can take control of your health and manage your health care dollars wisely. In addition we have created certain(mandatory) company initiatives to reduce costs overall, including modifiying (cutting) the drug formulary, enhancing (cutting) the provider list and introducing a cost share program where you the employee has more control of how your health care dollars are spent (haha because we make you spend your money first….so it hurts you first! see if you head to the ER for that migraine now buddy)
Employees are our number ONE asset at Mega Corp( cant believe we actually wrote that with a straight face–you are Labor..our number 1 Liability–a controllable expense…but if you will fall for that crap, more power to us!)and without you we would be unable to serve our loyal customers (but with all of our new self check outs, pretty soon, most of you too will be obsolete..bye bye sucker). To date, MegaCorp has been able to stay strong in the market place without any significant reduction in work force and hopes to stay that way in the near future.( hear that? that’s our layoff scare tactic..we love the word “significant”..of course we cut the work force..but who we cut wasn’t “significant”..heh heh)
Thank you for your years of valuable service. ( keep looking over your shoulder however)
Mr Prez ( my job is secure) of MegaCorp
The Pharmacy Chick is a retail pharmacist in the Western United States, gutting it out in fairly busy store. She ticks off each day as one more day closer to retirement, after 22 years in the biz. She remember typewriters, rolls of labels, want books, and everybody paid cash. Now all she wants to remember is what all her passwords are!
The viewpoint expressed in this article is the opinion of the author and is not necessarily the viewpoint of the owners or employees at Healthcare Staffing Innovations, LLC.
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